Cycling's Socially-Distanced Denizens

 

The Lonely Legion of the Lidless Nod: A Field Guide to Cycling's Socially-Distanced Denizens

Ah, the elusive "non-waver." They glide, they conquer hills, they chain lube their way into our hearts...until you try to greet them like a fellow two-wheeled warrior and get about as much recognition as a fly buzzing around Lance Armstrong's ego.

These lone wolves of the asphalt come in many flavors, each dripping with their own brand of "don't-talk-to-me" vibes:

• The Tunnel Visioner: Eyes glazed with Strava glory, these folks are locked in a one-man velodrome against the clock. A friendly "hello" might shatter their fragile aero-bubble, causing them to veer into traffic like a startled hummingbird.

• The "I'm Too Cool for School" Crew: Rocking vintage hipster frames and ironic handlebar mustaches, these cycling fashionistas wouldn't acknowledge a velodrome unless it served craft beer and artisanal chain grease. Your wave is seen as a plebeian attempt to infiltrate their exclusive club of ironic lycra.

• The Grumpy Granny Gear Grinder: Gears permanently set to "molasses uphill," these folks grind their way up inclines muttering existential curses at squirrels and headwinds. A cheery greeting is interpreted as an accusation of insufficient suffering.

• The Stealth Bomber: This ninja on two wheels is all about blending in. Camouflage kit, mud-caked face, and a silent ninja-whoosh as they pass. You might not even know they're there until they're a blurry green streak vanishing into the sunset.

But here's the thing, oh silent souls of the saddle: your unreturned waves sting a little. We cyclists are a tribe, bound by spandex and a shared hatred of car doors. A quick nod, a raised hand, it's like a secret handshake in a world full of four-wheeled Philistines.

So next time you're out there weaving through traffic and conquering KOMs, take a breath, look up from your Strava leaderboard, and remember: a little acknowledgement goes a long way. You might even make a friend, or at least earn some brownie points for breaking the ice with the Grumpy Granny Gear Grinder. And who knows, maybe you'll even discover the joy of a truly awkward high five on two wheels. Just promise you won't clip handlebars in the process.

Remember, fellow riders, it's not about the KOMs, it's about the Kumbayas. Spread the love, share the waves, and together we can make the cycling world a less lonely place, one awkward high five at a time.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with a burrito and some Strava segments that need conquering. Peace out, ride safe, and don't forget to wave! (Unless, of course, you're one of the aforementioned types. No offense, but seriously, wave.)